What is decentering?
Welcome back to Decentering Me, a space where I help women move out of their own way so they can build a life they genuinely want to show up for.
Today, I want to slow down and really unpack what decentering is, what it’s not, what a decentering journey can look like, and how to begin your own journey with intention. This post is part one of a series exploring the phases of the decentering journey.
So… What Is Decentering?
At its core, decentering is the intentional process of shifting focus away from your old identity and external influences so you can reclaim awareness of yourself and your choices.
Your old identity is made up of the stories you tell yourself — stories shaped by your thoughts, emotions, trauma, relationships, choices, and circumstances. When we stay centered on that version of ourselves, we stay stuck. We become stagnant. And it becomes hard — sometimes impossible — to step into the future self we desire.
If we’ve even allowed ourselves to envision her at all.
So many of us stop dreaming because we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe it’s hopeless. Decentering gently disrupts that conditioning.
Decentering is awareness before action
Practically speaking, decentering is the intentional shift of focus not just back to yourself, but toward your future self. It’s awareness before action.
Most of what we do happens on a subconscious level. Change only becomes possible when we bring those patterns to the surface and begin choosing differently. This isn’t about blaming yourself — it’s about understanding why you make the choices you make, and then choosing ones that serve you better.
Decentering is taking 100% respOnsibility
Decentering means becoming your own reference point for decision-making — from the most authentic version of yourself in that moment.
We make decisions every day based on fear, obligation, guilt, approval, conditioning, or survival. When we begin to uncover what’s actually driving our choices, it reveals a lot about how we were taught to think. Decentering allows you to take responsibility for your life from a place of clarity rather than shame.
Decentering is putting you first
At its deepest level, decentering means putting your needs, safety, values, and inner voice first. Not in a selfish, myopic way but in a “I am a person” way.
For me, those four things were the hardest to prioritize. I had become so focused on everyone else’s needs, safety, values, and voice that I completely lost myself. I became a shapeshifter — able to be whatever anyone needed, except myself. I was need-less and want-less. And that’s exactly what I got—less.
When those things begin to come first, you start choosing alignment over approval. “No” becomes a full sentence. Boundaries become a spacious fence you get to play in. And life begins to feel good — not like something you’re constantly trying to escape.
What Decentering Is Not
Decentering is not anti-men
Decentering is not man-hating or anti-relationship. While it’s often introduced in the context of romantic relationships, it’s not about men at all. You can be on a decentering journey and still date, be married, or be in a relationship.
Decentering is not isolation
It’s also not isolation or cutting everyone off. Sometimes distance is necessary while you’re changing, especially when outside opinions feel overwhelming — but isolation isn’t a marker of growth. If it happens, it usually happens organically.
Decentering is not being emotionally unavAilable
Decentering is not becoming cold or emotionally unavailable. That phase can show up temporarily as you grieve your old self and learn how to protect your evolving one — but it’s a season, not the destination.
Decentering is not about revenge or bitterness
And finally, decentering is not about revenge or bitterness. Pain may be the catalyst, but your “why” has to evolve. Bitterness will poison the inner work and lead to regression, not growth. Decentering isn’t about hardening your heart — it’s about coming home to yourself.
What My Decentering Journey Looked Like
My decentering journey began two years before my separation — and it started with my hair.
If you’re a natural girl, you’ll understand this: my hair lived in a puff. Weeks would go by without wash day. Don’t come for me; it was like three weeks at the most. I was stressed, depleted, and living on autopilot. My hair was the least of my priorities — and it showed.
One day, something shifted. I made a small decision: every Saturday, no matter what, I would wash, condition, and style my hair — and the puff was no longer an option.
That small commitment created momentum.
I started keeping promises to myself. I built trust with myself. I proved to myself that I could show up — and that I could handle it. Over time, my confidence grew. My sense of agency grew. And eventually, I realized I wanted something different for myself altogether.
That one small choice led to many others. And that’s how decentering works.
How to Start Your Decentering Journey With Intention
You don’t need motivation. You don’t need clarity. You don’t even need confidence. You need intention.
Start by asking yourself what you want.
Not what makes sense. Not what’s practical. What you want. Even if it feels small or silly.
Give yourself permission to change.
You’re allowed to want what you want — simply because you want it.
Practice small, self-honoring choices.
Tiny actions build trust. Small wins create momentum.
Reduce over-explaining.
People may feel uncomfortable when you change. Their feelings are valid — but they are not your responsibility. You don’t owe a justification for honoring yourself.
Final Thoughts
Starting your decentering journey doesn’t have to be some big spectacle. It can start small with a subtle shift of dedicating some time on a Saturday to do your hair. Or read a book for half an hour. Or go window shopping just to get out of the house for some fresh air—alone. LOL. It’s however you want to start, just as long as you start.
So….. are you going to show up (and start) today?.
